[Editor's note: Episode 3 in the trilogy is more a wrap-up than a themetic sequel--kinda like how Matrix Revolutions spent almost no time in the Matrix. But all three of my loyal readers deserve the full story. And standard disclaimer applies that this story does contain poop. Literally.]
Dear Barnes & Noble,
Hi. Hope you’re having a really great holiday season and everything. If it makes you feel better, I renewed my membership in your savings club even though I haven’t bought a print book in over a year (yay Kindle…oh, right, sorry). Truth be told, I did the membership thing because I get 10% off at the Starbucks in the store. You get some of that, right? Cool.
Yeah, I guess I’m delaying a bit. Okay. So you may know me and not know you know me. My son, Besh, had a little incident in one of your stores a while ago. And that was followed up by another incident in another local store. Yes, both incidents involved poop and your bathroom floor. To be fair, I did my best to clean up during and afterwards, but I realize that I’m not your favorite person and have probably been blacklisted from your local stores. Totally understandable. Poop on my floor once, shame on you; poop on my floor twice, stay out. Old story.
Anyway, I’m writing to humbly request we be removed from your blacklist. You see, we’ve had a very good week and it feels like we’ve turned a corner in the whole potty training issue. I know I may be pushing my luck telling you about it, but I also figure this request may take a while to clear your appropriate channels so I thought I’d get the ball rolling.
I won’t bore you with the details of working out the #2 issues with Besh. But after many, many rounds of bribery, tears, encouragement, and more than a few potty breakdowns, we had a real breakthrough yesterday. He’d been trying and doing some small #2s at school, but yesterday he did two of them–first a small one, then a really big one. He then emerged from his primary class’ bathroom, sans underwear and pants (I call that Porky Pigging it), and loudly proclaimed, “I did it! I went poo poo on the potty!” His entire class cheered. Kinda rocks, right. It’s a real coming of age image that John Hughes never really picked up on. And an awesome statement about his school that they created such a supportive environment.
Oh, and just to prove the whole thing, the teachers took a picture on their cell phone of Besh standing next to the potty. Big poo in the bowl, him standing next to it positively beaming up at the camera. I won’t send you the picture because I think it might make your janitors angry again.
We may not be out of the woods yet, I’ll admit. His mom has been doing a lot of work to get this far–sorry if I don’t introduce you two but I don’t think you know what she looks like and there’s no reason to ban her, right? But it certainly feels like we’ve turned a corner and the class encouragement will hopefully go a long way to sealing the deal. I’m sure you know the feeling–you have kids, right? You must have kids since you have a rocking kids section (and I’m really glad you have that full Thomas train table because I don’t think actual people can afford those things, just stores).
Anyway, happy holidays. I promise if you let me back in I’ll buy something besides a beverage.